My fellow Americans, one issue facing us can be considered more of a threat to our future than terrorism and financial collapse combined. That’s right. I’m talking about anthropogenic continental drift.

As Dr. Ivan Betinov of the People’s Cube Institute of Geology explains:

A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world’s habitats.

That’s the main aspect of the solution. But let’s talk about the problem first.

The continents rest on massive tectonic plates. Until the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 18th century, these plates were fixed in place and immobile. However, drilling for oil and mining for minerals has cut these plates loose from their primordial moorings and left them to drift aimlessly. “The potential for damage is truly catastrophic,” said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental Drift (IPCD). “The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos by next Tuesday.” The representative seemed close to tears during his announcement, a clear indicator of the severity of the threat.

Prior to the mid-18th century, all of the continents were actually joined together in a single lump. North America touched Africa; Africa could be reached by foot from Australia. The world was a more united place.

But then came the evils of the Industrial Revolution. As American capitalism expanded, so too did the distance between the continents. The world was torn apart. Due to the continued presence of capitalism, the continents continue drifting to this day.

Dr. Brinker explains the potential for disaster.

“These non-industrial nations will be hardest hit by the looming catastrophe. No right-thinking scientist can question that,” pronounced Brinker after composing himself. “On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages.” These villages, it must be pointed out, are the primary raisers of children.

Won’t somebody think of the children? Or the polar bears?

“Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North America plows toward Asia,” explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. “What’s more, millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them.”

I’m horrified. You’re probably horrified, too.

So what can we do to save the planet from anthropogenic continental drift?

Countries like the United States can begin by immediately redistributing their wealth to non-industrial nations like Zimbabwe and Somalia. China and India will, of course, be exempt from this requirement, as they’re just developing nations.

We can also grant the government more power to regulate contributing factors to the drift. This may require citizens giving up their privacy and freedom of choice, but we’re talking about saving the planet here. Think of the polar bears.

Also, the quicker nations can abandon capitalism and adopt socialism the better. Some may resist, but hey. The planet can’t wait for a “formal” consensus in favor of socialism to form. Think of the children.

Now, we can expect some push-back from evil corporations and even whacko deniers. These people are no more relevant than the Flat-earthers. The science on anthropogenic continental drift is settled; there’s no true dissent in the reliable scientific community.

Your grandchildren will ask what you did to stop anthropogenic global warming anthropogenic continental drift. What will your answer be? Will you even have an answer?

Write your representative.

Update: Forgot one of the most important actions we can take to stop ACD: Removing oil and other lubricants from under the earth. If we remove the lubricants through the process of drilling, we can restore the natural friction that prevents the continents from drifting.