Libya is burning you say?

Bahrain, home to the United States Fifth Fleet, is at risk of collapse?

Iranian warships passed through the Suez Canal for the first time in decades, you say?

The United States has been reduced to evacuating its citizens by a slow ferry to Malta?

Oil has hit $100 per barrel for the first time since 2008?

Muammar al-Gaddafi is bombing his own citizens, resulting in the deaths of more than 1,000 people so far?

Americans were brutally murdered off the coast of Somali by Muslim pirates, you say?

The world seems to be collapsing around us and it appears there’s nothing that will stop it?

Well, has the White House got news for you! Barack Obama’s Justice Department has decided to stop defending a federal law pertaining to gay marriage. Because they knew this was the top, burning issue on your mind right now.

And don’t worry: 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate Barack Obama will totally think about commenting on Libya, Somalia, and the general collapse of global stability…sooner or later.