If you live on the eastern seaboard north of, say, South Carolina — now is the time to prepare.

Let’s get one common question out of the way. Click this image to expand.

Okay. See that teardrop-shaped white section around those black “M” and “H” dots? Okay. That’s not the wind field. It’s the cone of uncertainty. The storm could go anywhere in that cone. The extreme left, the extreme right, and anywhere in between. So don’t think that because you live on the edge of that you’re in the clear. You’re not.

So now what? How do you prepare? I’ve compiled a list.

• Make sure you have enough supplies — non-perishable food, clean water, fuel in the car, medicine, and anything else you need — to sustain yourself for 72 hours.
• DO NOT CUT DOWN MORE UNNECESSARY YARD DEBRIS. Unless you can guarantee it will all be collected, anything left on the ground can become a missile.
• Locate your nearest sturdy shelter.
• Board up windows. Plywood and screws are fine. Once a window breaks, a vacuum forms. You can lose your roof, everything inside your house, and even get hurt. Tape on windows is a waste of time and energy.
• Avoid injury prior to the storm. You don’t want to spend the hurricane inside a hospital.
• Remember that the calm in the middle of the storm — or “the eye” — is misleading. It lasts about 20 minutes and then the worst part comes. Don’t go outside during the eye.
• Stay in the most interior, lowest level, windowless room in your house — even if you’ve boarded up.
• Make sure you have a battery-operated radio. You’ll need to know when you’re in the eye, where the storm is — and television almost certainly won’t work much of the time.
• Check your flood plane map. Most of the time this can be found on your county/city website. Prepare for flooding.
• Prepare for mandatory evacuation. Local officials can and will issue these declarations — and if you refuse to heed them, you’re on your own. No help during the storm.
• Speaking of which, understand that 911 can’t get to you in a hurricane. They often can’t go out above Tropical Storm conditions. Again, you’re on your own.
• Fill up your bathtub before the storm. It can be used to flush the toilet, wash yourself, and more. Think of it as a giant holding tank.
• Make sure your pets have a collar and ID tag.
• Locate evacuation routes. You may be told to get out of town. Find out how rather than later.

Don’t be complacent. If you think a hurricane is just a little rain and wind, you’re an idiot. Sorry but you are. Many people in New Orleans thought that, too. They were going to ride out little Katrina and show the world how tough and laid-back they are. Well guess what? It’s more than just rain and wind.

Hurricanes spin off tornadoes. They kill people. A cheap one costs millions upon millions of dollars in damage. Houses get destroyed. People get hurt.

American dreams get wiped out. People die. Vehicles get destroyed. People die. Neighborhoods flood. People die. Places of business go out of business. People die. Churches get destroyed. People die. Powerlines get torn down and power can be out for weeks. People die.

Did I mention people die? Because they do.

If you’re thinking, “You know, I feel like I should take this precaution but I don’t want to look silly,” fuck that. Let the neighbors laugh at you. Protect your property and family. That’s all that matters. Better to be safe than sorry. So you board up your windows and then the hurricane just skirts you. What’s the worst that happened? You have to take it back down and you have plywood for next time. And there will be a next time.

Sorry if I’m scaring some people. But some people need to be scared. They think they’re tough. Some will even go to the beach in the storm to ride waves. Because nothing would ever happen to them. Only it does. It can happen to you. You’re not immortal. You’re not tougher than everyone else who has gone through storms. That kind of thinking gets people killed.

One more note. If you have a generator and need to use it, for the sake of all that is good and holy in this universe: Do not run your generator in your garage, by your window, or in your house. If I had a dime for every time some dumbass asphyxiated himself and his family in the wake of a storm, I’d be a millionaire. Don’t light candles in your home, either. Unless you want to watch it burn down, that is.